Reader, I feel we may be still somewhat distant, you and I, and perhaps you feel the same way. Therefore, let us try and forge a stronger connection, so that we may in the future become the best of friends. I shall start by introducing myself more informally: Hello, my name is Harrison. What may I call you, reader? I think I shall call you Jennifer, because I like that name. (If, Jennifer, you are by any chance male, and dislike being referred to by such a feminine name, or are even offended that you would be given a name that does not befit your sex, perhaps you should read a different blog. I hear that TSURURADIO needs readers these days. I also heard they occasionally have pictures of naked people. You like naked people, don't you, you impostor? You're not Jennifer at all! Rather, you are some sort of ragamuffin or ramekin or crockpot! In any case, I do not wish for the likes of you, Crockpot, to come strolling around these parts. Get out of my site, wastrel!)
I must profusely apologize, Jennifer, for that long-winded and heated parenthetical aside, though you must admit, "Get out of my site" is a rather amusing and quite clever play on words. I know, Jennifer, I sometimes surprise even myself with my razor-sharp and caustic wit, but permit me to continue our conversation. Already I feel as though I've known you for many years. Don't you think so, Jennifer? Indeed, our friendship is forming fast. I realize, Jennifer, that since this is an internet friendship, you haven't the foggiest idea what I look like. Well, Jennifer, I can assure you that my looks are just as good as the next person's. Here I am on a good day:
However, at present time, Jennifer, I have just pulled an all-nighter, so I look more like this:
I must apologize for my rather uncouth appearance, Jennifer. You can see that I have forgotten to put on my hat and glasses and to grow my moustache, but I am certain that you have written some long and strenuous papers on the subject of the ego-libido in British literature in your time, so you will fully understand my current state as simply a natural aftereffect of writing such a paper.
Did you, Jennifer, listen to music when you wrote your paper? And did you, at any point, feel the urge to stop what you were doing and air drum? Was this moment, Jennifer, by any chance during your first hearing of the single mix of "Graphics" by the inestimable Memory Tapes? Why, me too! And did you, upon hearing the song, feel compelled to tell everyone via facebook status update that it was even better than the excellent album version? Why, Jennifer, you don't say! We have so much in common, Jennifer, that I am led to believe we may be long-lost siblings, separated at birth, and phenomenally have developed almost like minds. Don't you agree, Jennifer? Why, Jennifer! What would make you think I am flirting with you? If I think we are siblings, it would surely mean that the norms of American society would prevent us from making sweet love to one another, unless we had a sort of awkward Fiery Furnaces thing going on, which would be perfectly fine for me if... you're... into that...
Perhaps it is best, reader, that we remain distant. I find this a satisfactory solution, and it prevents any and all complications that would otherwise arise in a strong friendship situation. Also, reader, please realize that any statements about Matthew and Eleanor Friedberger of The Fiery Furnaces are made in jest. I sincerely hope, reader, for the future of all humanity, that he has not been Chiefly Inspecting her Blancheflower. If you catch my drift.
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